Something I'm trying...

I'm evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they're letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.

It covers:

• The best blogging techniques.
• How to get traffic to your blog.
• How to turn your blog into money.

I'll let you know what I think once I've had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it's still free.

You Deserve this Blog

A few months ago, I got a part on a tv show, and a friend congratulated me by saying "You deserve it!"
This probably says more about me than him however, I thought, "Was there some doubt that I deserved it?"
In my head, I got it, therefore I must have deserved it. Did someone else deserve it more? Apparently not, cuz they didn't get it.

"Deserve" is often confused with Karma, mostly because of the misuse of the word, karma. Karma applies to future existences as a result of current or previous lives. If the sum of your life is good, you may return as a tree or an anchorman. Bad people: sheep and reality tv contestants. (I don't really know the karmic evolutionary scale.) More commonly people attribute karma when good things happen to people they like, and when tragedy strike those they dislike. Of course, when some turd spends 8 years on a hit TV series, nobody mentions 'Karma"

Maybe the term, "deserve" requires more definition. You deserve it if: You are qualified in all practical ways- physically, mentally, financially, etc. If you and it are available. If you and it have some viable current relationship. The sum of your qualifications exceed those of someone else. I may be the best actor in the world (I am), best looking (clearly true), box office gold (billions in imaginary tickets sold), still If a show needs an "employee" to say "1st door on the right." The producer's best friend's daughter might be deserving enough. In essence, "deserving enough" is enough.

It's easy to say someone deserves something after they already have it. Example: You deserve internet access. Just as it's easy to proclaim "I deserve a new BMW." When it would be a huge stretch to pay for it. That's when "I deserve" is more affirmation than truth. Affirmations serve a purpose, though they some times lead to premature action. Those folks often go on to buy that car, and later realize they deserve a yard sale, and then a part time job, and maybe a roommate.

I told a friend, and now you, about my goal of doing stand-up on the Late Late Show by the end of 2007. She responded that I "deserve that". Sadly, Craig Ferguson is not within her circle of influence. The only people that can proclaim I deserve The Late Late Show, are the people who book comics on The Late Late Show. Saying it isn't enough- They have to book me on the show. The phone hasn't rang so, for now I deserve to work harder. I deserve the open mic at the Sportsmen's Lodge. The goal is reset to 2008.

If I may rewrite Yoda- There is no "deserve" Either you get, or you don't get.

Happy 2008! May you Get.

By Popular Demand

It's been a while since my last blog, because there's been so little on my mind. My mind has been nearly blank for some time, which is how I like it. Still, there has been much clamor throughout the interweb. "What does Johnnie think about stuff?" is a persistent query. However, I feel that if you are going to take the time to read my blog I should give something that makes you think, perhaps even changes lives.
There are many important factors involved in writing "The Perfect Blog" It should be entertaining, intelligent, covering various points of view while being easily accepted as truth, inspirational and heart felt. "Stop Touching Me" was an excellent example. A topic universally understood but, with a little bit of sadness. Titles should be 3 words long.

I try to be fair and not blur the line between sensational opinion and responsible journalism. For example: last years controversial post, "Milk is Murder" Strong words that needed to be said. The milk industry responded that, "Milk is an important part of a balanced diet." Followed by threats against my family. The milk industry doesn't know how little I care about my family. Bring it on Milk Man! Nobody's gonna miss my brother.

A gentler post "Fruity Pebbles are Delicious!" drew widespread yawns, "Tell us something we don't know, Johnnie!" The same for my more populist "Will Smith is a big big star" You can't manufacture controversy. It has to find you.

"Stealing Feels Good" though divisive and thought provoking, cost me friends and my remaining associates search me before I'm allowed to leave their homes. Words do have consequences and I sometimes must decide if I'm willing to pay the price for my truth.

As a trained journalist, I feel the need to produce accurate well researched pieces that will withstand any tests. For that reason, I've decide to set aside a piece I've been working on entitled "Jesus Hates You" In my research, scholars cite a book that states the opposite. I have been unable to reach Jesus to verify or deny my claim so the article may have to sit until after the election. Probably part of Jesus' campaign strategy.

Clearly you have missed me so, rather than leave my audience wondering about my well being (Did someone touch him? Is he back on the pipe?) I will create more frequent, shorter, poorly crafted posts, with lower journalistic standards (grammar, accuracy) wildly varying popular interest, and happier endings.

Coming soon: Date at Hooters, Smell My Hand, and I Don't Know

I love you. Bye bye.