Happy Thursday

I've been getting "Merry Christmas!" text messages and emails from my friends. A great many of my friends either don't get my memos, or don't read them. Let me summarize. I don't do Christmas. I'm not a Christian. I don't believe the Jesus fairy tale so, I do not celebrate his fake birthday.

I won't be decorating or giving gifts. (I do receive however- refusing would be rude.) I don't want to have Xmas dinner with your family or some assortment of lonelies who feel incomplete when they're not in a traditional setting for the holiday. (Although Nicole is an excellent chef, so I'm only punishing myself there.) Some Buddhists or some Jews will prepare me a meal, with assistance by our amigos from the south, because they understand that the world doesn't stop just for Jesus.

I'm well thank you. Cancel the suicide watch. I eat hundreds of meals alone every year. Don't worry about me today. I am grateful to the Christians and pseudo-Christians who have maintained this holiday for me to watch NBA games, go to movies and catch up on some laundry. Thanks for the day off!
Bah! Humbug!

And, Just like that

I had barely settled in for a long night of electoral back and forth and, as soon as the clock struck 8, it was over. "Alright guys, the polls are closed in Cali. Let's call this thing and go home. I've got 4 episodes of 'Mad Men' on the TiVo." Before I could get the popcorn out of the microwave, John McCain had conceded and was in bed with a warm glass of milk. A quick electoral smack down. You knew it was over as soon as Barack Obama won Ohio. (The state where I drove through a Klan rally about 15 years ago.) You can't beat that kinda momentum.

Just as I had predicted, the cooler dude won. I'm just surprised at how decisive it was. I have never been very comfortable with so many polls favoring Obama. Never underestimate the racism of the American public, I thought. Someone was bound to realize they were about to elect a black man as President of the United States and change their vote. Turns out ageism triumphed over racism. A great day for our country.

Just like that it was over. "Go home, old man. And take your spokesmodel with you." No suspense. No controversy. No lawyers. Just look and the numbers and live with it.
"They" didn't steal the election from "us" so, I'm stuck with a trunk full of riot supplies. Anybody wanna buy some gasoline, bottles, rags and lighters?
When Obama gave his acceptance speech, I got the feeling that in the back of his mind was, "What was I thinking? Now all these people expect me to fix shit."
Sarah Palin had one thing right, Senators, Representatives and community organizers aren't held responsible for much. Presidents are, and they don't get credit for all the "checks and balances" that stand in their way. Our new president has a lot to clean up; Occupation of Iraq, a collapsing economic house of cards, decaying infrastructure, expensive energy and health care. I don't know why anyone would want the job. It doesn't pay very well, until you've completed your second term and get a book deal.

I haven't received a tax cut. My health insurance still cost thousands a year. No solar panels on my roof. Yet thanks to Barack Obama, I've got one less excuse for underachieving. "The Man" isn't keeping me down anymore. I am "The Man" now. And I can't stop smiling.

Is that it?

I'm following the presidential election pretty closely and I wonder, is it over already? Has America made up it's mind? Has the election ended in the summer with the swimsuit competition? Have the candidates been defined: Cranky versus Hope? Where are the voters who would never vote for a half black man? I expected they'd show up in the polls by now. Are they really only the small percentage who would admit it over the phone? Have I overestimated the racism of the American public? Man, I hope so.

Of course, it's the 3rd of July. A lot can come up by November. Osama Bin Laden could be caught. (If he isn't already) Barack Obama might get his dick sucked by a campaign volunteer. John McCain might ride a bicycle. What if McCain really does have a black baby somewhere or, Obama has a 3/4 white one?

There will be debates and speeches, ignored by most of us. Everything we need to know will be in a campaign commercial, conveniently free of truth in advertising laws. Right now, McCain is pissed that someone questioned the importance of his military service. Obama blew him a kiss. Did that change anyone's vote? Anyone? Does anyone have a relevant question? Does anyone have time for an honest answer?

Do we really care about issues? Does America want "free trade"? Do we want to make the rich "pay their fair share"? Maybe we prefer our banks unregulated. Maybe being shot down over Vietnam is good executive experience.
Maybe by election day the "surge" will have clearly done it's job successfully occupying Iraq so that our troops will be home by Thanksgiving. If we can occupy one country in the Middle East, that will make us safer here. And if I can get through the airport without having to strip (which I used to do voluntarily), you've got my vote, John.

One is cool the other is old. That's good enough for real independents. What makes us independent is the DVR. Who looks best when I fast forward through their ad. I don't have time to watch guys argue about gas taxes and troop withdrawal. I do have time for Mad Men.

If one of them gets caught getting his dick sucked, I'll start paying attention again. I'm not convinced that either are what we need as president, however they are what the system gave us and, once again I forgot to run this year.

Yay! Celebrity Sex Tapes

There are rumors that a Lindsay Lohan sex tape exists somewhere. (If you've got a link, send it my way. I luv me some LiLo.) I'm more than happy to watch anyone's collection of celebrity sex tapes. I enjoy the candid moments- not just the sex. I do want to give this tip to you, my friends. Whether you are a celebrity or not, NEVER allow yourself to be photographed or video recorded having sex. I know how tempting is the desire to preserve the special moment of your 8th time receiving oral sex. Not something that happens every day. (I know it will be special for me.) Many of us wonder what we look like during the act. Are we making funny faces? Is our partner rolling their eyes? Many celebs take their videos to UCLA to have have science professors critique their technique. I'm often concerned about my efficiency- Is there an easier way to do this? Is all this sweat necessary? The desire to improve is certainly compelling.

The most important reason not to record is, you never know where the clips will end up. Your partner may claim they want to remember your night of love forever. Truth is, they need video because they don't expect to see you much longer. They claim that it is to be viewed only by the 2 lovers, and the camera operator. Ultimately, what good is video if you don't show it to somebody. A good Rule: Never do anything on video that you wouldn't want you're mother to see. Keep in mind that I don't know much about you're relationship with your mother so, you may have to substitute someone else's mother.

There are several video recordings of me in sexual encounters. We have the sex. The red light is on everything seems to be working. Next thing I know, she's dressed and out the door and the tape is gone. I've spent years in litigation trying to get the videos into public circulation. I've offered money. I've signed releases. The world wants to see me in action. Am I right, people? What's it gonna take?

Loyal readers- Tell us about your sex tapes. Where can we see them? What were you thinking?

BTW, my mother has Alzheimer's. If you could get her to watch a sex tape, she wouldn't recognize me anyway.

And now, the Weather

Please don't talk to me about the weather. I can't do anything about it, and since I live in southern California, it's not that interesting anyway. We don't need to pontificate on how much cooler is this winter compared to last winter or, if I think it will rain later. It's Los Angeles. How bad can it be? Most days will be within 10 degrees/miles per hour/percent of yesterday. Whatever change isn't likely to be very drastic. Most of us can look out the window or stick our head out the door for a few seconds and get all we need to know. should I bring a jacket? Umbrella? Good day for shorts? (When it rains I get to wear my yellow rain jacket. Makes me happy.)

Regardless, No conversation about the weather should take more than 10 seconds. "I hear it might rain tonight." "Oh, really? I better bring a hat." Done- Next topic. We really need only talk about the weather if lives are in immediate danger, "Hey! There's a tornado behind you! Better get into this storm shelter." Still acceptably brief. Most of the people I know have been on Earth long enough to have experienced every weather condition they're likely to encounter in Los Angeles more than once. Overcast isn't "weird weather". Drizzle isn't weird. Wind isn't weird. How do I know? Because we talked about it last year, and the year before that... If you really want to talk about the weather, find someone who's never been outside. I'm sure they're fascinated by your imaginary climate trends.

When someone says to me "Beautiful day, huh?" (I think that's a question.) My standard response, "Everyday is a beautiful day." And I sincerely mean that, and I sincerely hope we change the subject. Have you read a book or seen a movie? Sometimes when it's cloudy someone will ask, "Shitty day, huh?" I often suggest they kill themselves. Helps put the clouds into perspective. And really, how long do you want to talk to anyone who needs a second opinion about the sky.

When someone continues a conversation about the weather, they signal to me that this person has close to nothing on their mind. Why else would they take the time to contemplate the the air. Maybe I envy them, so carefree that they can be nostalgic about last winter's temperatures. Maybe I take the weather for granted. Or maybe I'm a grown man virtually unaffected by weather short of a direct lightning strike. Please don't talk to me about the weather. I don't care. Rain or shine, I got shit to do.

Bless this Mess

I had dinner with a friend a few days ago at DuPar's in Studio City. Dupar's has the best pancakes in the world, however we were there for dinner.
We order. We chat. The waitress drops off our plates and as I reach for my fork, My friend puts her hands together and starts praying. I've known Carolyne for 7 years. She has never said a prayer over a meal before. And while she's praying, what am I supposed to do? Just sit there while she rambles on an on. "Bless this food" blah blah blah "nourishment of the body" blah blah "Bless me and you and everyone we know..." Blahmen. What's more rude. Me starting to eat without her, or her making me wait for this endless and useless babel. The time for God to bless the food was before we killed it.

Seems a little arbitrary to pray before meals anyway. How about praying before you get on a bus. Pray over a load of laundry "Bless this water for the cleansing of the fabric. Bless this detergent that it may defeat stains." Maybe before vacuuming "Lord help me suck the devil from this rug."
I've had friends like that, as well. The kind that will interrupt any conversation to pray out loud before dropping a letter in the mailbox, or to ask Jesus for a parking space.

It's behavior like this, among other acts and convictions, that lead me to believe that religious faith is a form of insanity. Many of my friends and family are religious people and, I suppose I've just admitted to some of them that I think they're insane. At least now you know why I look at you "like that".

I had a tuna melt. Carolyne had grilled cheese. And it was good.