One Man All Night Comedy Show

I got an invite form a comedian, Stevie Mack, about his one man show, Diary of a Crackhead. Back in the day being up all night was my way of life, About 12 years ago, to be more precise. The difference, is that back in the day, I was up all night smoking crack and drinking tequila. Made sense back then. I had an air of desperation that make people naturally avoid me.If I spoke to you at all it was because I wanted something. Comedy was just a cover for my late night sneaking around. If you spotted me out on hollywood boulevard at 3 in the morning, I had just gotten home from a gig and went up the street to pick up something to eat. It didn't mate if you just saw me sitting at a bus  stop buying rocks from whoever was at the corner. I'm happy to find the funny now.

A one man show was once on my radar, I suppose it still is. For a couple of years I worked on "The Big C: From Cancer to Crack" I wonder what became of that. Just got too hard I suppose. Drew Carey and I used to joke about "Crack- The Musical" back when I worked on his show. Whatever happened to...

Right now My only excuse for being up so late is poor time management. A side effect of Attention Deficit Disorder. If I could focus on one thing long enough to finish it, I would own each and every one of you. instead I'm doing this, until I notice that. Maybe I'll post a picture of this room. Clear evidence of mental illness. I have started a million brilliant projects and finished 6. No matter how clear the need to complete something, I can always find a detour. I wonder sometimes if didn't do quite a bit of damage to my brain smoking so many rocks of cocain. I don't think I was this scattered before. A few dozen tiny strokes might have that effect.  I'll take a pic and wait for your diagnosis.

Stevie’s show is at the Improv Labs in Hollywood. I'll be 48 the next day. I have many mixed feeling about it. It’s at my favorite comedy club and about a subject dear to my heart that I once tried to tackle. Mostly I expect to laugh. Stevie is a funny guy and, I’m thinking about inviting my recovering crackhead friend. The show is on her 49^th birthday. Happy Birthday to us!

I have tons of homework to do. I'm weeks late in 3 out of four classes. I suppose being on schedule for one is cause for celebration... This post is pretty lame, kind of a downer, and yet I bet you can't tell how happy I am to see it on my screen. It's been three months since my last post so this ain't so bad. More to come. Look for the new site as well. I've wasted enough of your time with this little exercise in inertia. Thanks for being you.

I can post comedy on the fly via text message from my iPhone. This creates some pressure to post more often. Lower your expectations, people!

My Black Friend - Acceptable.tv

Here's something I was in a couple of years ago, perhaps my favorite something I was in a couple of years ago. The TV show, Acceptable.tv, was canceled but, the funny lives on.

Bring Your Own Comedy

A friend invited me to watch her perform at the Comedy Store. Generally I avoid the Store for a cumulative variety of reasons: Don’t like the shows, bad (expensive) parking, expensive drinks, ridiculous open mic, and they’ve never had any interest in booking me.

I do however like the “Original” Room as a place to perform. I get to the Comedy Mall every couple of years when a friend is performing in the “Belly” Room. The Belly Room is about a 50 seat room upstairs that usually host “bringer” shows, as we comics call them. A bringer show essentially requires each comic to bring a certain number of paying customers to be allowed to perform or to be booked back. Comics are less required to be funny if they are “bringers”. If a you bring enough people you don’t have to be funny at all. Some clubs don’t even require you to be a comic. So bringer shows can be very hit or miss. Bringers tend to have few working professional comics since real comics don’t have many non-comic friends who haven’t seen them and, comics rarely pay to see other comics, especially comics who can’t get booked in a real show with a real audience. As opposed to a bringer audience who came because the guy from work says he’s a comic and he’s been bugging them to come to this show for the last month. Some of the performers in even a bringer show are very funny people. Most are amusing at best because the merits of their inclusion aren't necessarily comedic. Sometimes a good comic gets to do the show if the bringer requirement is waived. That way the promoter knows the show won’t completely suck.

If a comic is lucky he’ll get up in front of a packed bringer house and rock it. Sometimes one comic brings a large portion of the audience so, the promoter doesn’t put them on stage until the end so that comic’s crowd has to fight the impulse to cut their losses and, go home to their flat screen. Most times the audience is forced to sit through one bad “comic” after another, praying that their friend will be good and make it all worthwhile.

So my friend invites me to see her perform at the Comedy Store, on a Friday night, in the “Main” Room. Suddenly I’m impressed. Possibly because I hadn’t been to the Store in a couple of years and, I hadn’t been to the Main Room in about a decade. It’s a large room that seats around 300. That’s where I saw Sam Kinison, and Richard Pryor (He was sick and not very funny). Where Nicholas Cage asked me where he could find Carrie Snow. (I didn’t know her then, but I do now.) It was a room with a little star power. All of these moments over 20 years ago. Still seemed like a big deal to me that someone who’s been performing for 2 years would have a spot in the Main Room on a Friday night. She must be doing something right. So she put me on the guest list and I went to the Comedy Mall hoping to see some magic. Before the show she introduced me to some of her other friends, Garry Marshal, an actor, a video producer. Things were looking promising. When I get to the box office I tell the guy my name, he finds it on the list and charges me $15 “But I’m on the guest list.” “Right. $15.” I had already invested $15 in parking- might as well stick it out. As we were led to our seats in the quarter filled Main Room, I realized that I had been sucked into a bringer show. On a Friday night at the Comedy Store. The Guest list was about who gets credit for my $15

That’s what the business has become. Comedy clubs have to find a way to put butts in the seats and keep the lights on. It’s not just the Store. The Improv does it too. So why not put some of the pressure on the comics. Not how it used to be but, it’s how things are now. Yuck.

Happy Thursday

I've been getting "Merry Christmas!" text messages and emails from my friends. A great many of my friends either don't get my memos, or don't read them. Let me summarize. I don't do Christmas. I'm not a Christian. I don't believe the Jesus fairy tale so, I do not celebrate his fake birthday.

I won't be decorating or giving gifts. (I do receive however- refusing would be rude.) I don't want to have Xmas dinner with your family or some assortment of lonelies who feel incomplete when they're not in a traditional setting for the holiday. (Although Nicole is an excellent chef, so I'm only punishing myself there.) Some Buddhists or some Jews will prepare me a meal, with assistance by our amigos from the south, because they understand that the world doesn't stop just for Jesus.

I'm well thank you. Cancel the suicide watch. I eat hundreds of meals alone every year. Don't worry about me today. I am grateful to the Christians and pseudo-Christians who have maintained this holiday for me to watch NBA games, go to movies and catch up on some laundry. Thanks for the day off!
Bah! Humbug!

Is that it?

I'm following the presidential election pretty closely and I wonder, is it over already? Has America made up it's mind? Has the election ended in the summer with the swimsuit competition? Have the candidates been defined: Cranky versus Hope? Where are the voters who would never vote for a half black man? I expected they'd show up in the polls by now. Are they really only the small percentage who would admit it over the phone? Have I overestimated the racism of the American public? Man, I hope so.

Of course, it's the 3rd of July. A lot can come up by November. Osama Bin Laden could be caught. (If he isn't already) Barack Obama might get his dick sucked by a campaign volunteer. John McCain might ride a bicycle. What if McCain really does have a black baby somewhere or, Obama has a 3/4 white one?

There will be debates and speeches, ignored by most of us. Everything we need to know will be in a campaign commercial, conveniently free of truth in advertising laws. Right now, McCain is pissed that someone questioned the importance of his military service. Obama blew him a kiss. Did that change anyone's vote? Anyone? Does anyone have a relevant question? Does anyone have time for an honest answer?

Do we really care about issues? Does America want "free trade"? Do we want to make the rich "pay their fair share"? Maybe we prefer our banks unregulated. Maybe being shot down over Vietnam is good executive experience.
Maybe by election day the "surge" will have clearly done it's job successfully occupying Iraq so that our troops will be home by Thanksgiving. If we can occupy one country in the Middle East, that will make us safer here. And if I can get through the airport without having to strip (which I used to do voluntarily), you've got my vote, John.

One is cool the other is old. That's good enough for real independents. What makes us independent is the DVR. Who looks best when I fast forward through their ad. I don't have time to watch guys argue about gas taxes and troop withdrawal. I do have time for Mad Men.

If one of them gets caught getting his dick sucked, I'll start paying attention again. I'm not convinced that either are what we need as president, however they are what the system gave us and, once again I forgot to run this year.

Yay! Celebrity Sex Tapes

There are rumors that a Lindsay Lohan sex tape exists somewhere. (If you've got a link, send it my way. I luv me some LiLo.) I'm more than happy to watch anyone's collection of celebrity sex tapes. I enjoy the candid moments- not just the sex. I do want to give this tip to you, my friends. Whether you are a celebrity or not, NEVER allow yourself to be photographed or video recorded having sex. I know how tempting is the desire to preserve the special moment of your 8th time receiving oral sex. Not something that happens every day. (I know it will be special for me.) Many of us wonder what we look like during the act. Are we making funny faces? Is our partner rolling their eyes? Many celebs take their videos to UCLA to have have science professors critique their technique. I'm often concerned about my efficiency- Is there an easier way to do this? Is all this sweat necessary? The desire to improve is certainly compelling.

The most important reason not to record is, you never know where the clips will end up. Your partner may claim they want to remember your night of love forever. Truth is, they need video because they don't expect to see you much longer. They claim that it is to be viewed only by the 2 lovers, and the camera operator. Ultimately, what good is video if you don't show it to somebody. A good Rule: Never do anything on video that you wouldn't want you're mother to see. Keep in mind that I don't know much about you're relationship with your mother so, you may have to substitute someone else's mother.

There are several video recordings of me in sexual encounters. We have the sex. The red light is on everything seems to be working. Next thing I know, she's dressed and out the door and the tape is gone. I've spent years in litigation trying to get the videos into public circulation. I've offered money. I've signed releases. The world wants to see me in action. Am I right, people? What's it gonna take?

Loyal readers- Tell us about your sex tapes. Where can we see them? What were you thinking?

BTW, my mother has Alzheimer's. If you could get her to watch a sex tape, she wouldn't recognize me anyway.

By Popular Demand

It's been a while since my last blog, because there's been so little on my mind. My mind has been nearly blank for some time, which is how I like it. Still, there has been much clamor throughout the interweb. "What does Johnnie think about stuff?" is a persistent query. However, I feel that if you are going to take the time to read my blog I should give something that makes you think, perhaps even changes lives.
There are many important factors involved in writing "The Perfect Blog" It should be entertaining, intelligent, covering various points of view while being easily accepted as truth, inspirational and heart felt. "Stop Touching Me" was an excellent example. A topic universally understood but, with a little bit of sadness. Titles should be 3 words long.

I try to be fair and not blur the line between sensational opinion and responsible journalism. For example: last years controversial post, "Milk is Murder" Strong words that needed to be said. The milk industry responded that, "Milk is an important part of a balanced diet." Followed by threats against my family. The milk industry doesn't know how little I care about my family. Bring it on Milk Man! Nobody's gonna miss my brother.

A gentler post "Fruity Pebbles are Delicious!" drew widespread yawns, "Tell us something we don't know, Johnnie!" The same for my more populist "Will Smith is a big big star" You can't manufacture controversy. It has to find you.

"Stealing Feels Good" though divisive and thought provoking, cost me friends and my remaining associates search me before I'm allowed to leave their homes. Words do have consequences and I sometimes must decide if I'm willing to pay the price for my truth.

As a trained journalist, I feel the need to produce accurate well researched pieces that will withstand any tests. For that reason, I've decide to set aside a piece I've been working on entitled "Jesus Hates You" In my research, scholars cite a book that states the opposite. I have been unable to reach Jesus to verify or deny my claim so the article may have to sit until after the election. Probably part of Jesus' campaign strategy.

Clearly you have missed me so, rather than leave my audience wondering about my well being (Did someone touch him? Is he back on the pipe?) I will create more frequent, shorter, poorly crafted posts, with lower journalistic standards (grammar, accuracy) wildly varying popular interest, and happier endings.

Coming soon: Date at Hooters, Smell My Hand, and I Don't Know

I love you. Bye bye.