One Man All Night Comedy Show

I got an invite form a comedian, Stevie Mack, about his one man show, Diary of a Crackhead. Back in the day being up all night was my way of life, About 12 years ago, to be more precise. The difference, is that back in the day, I was up all night smoking crack and drinking tequila. Made sense back then. I had an air of desperation that make people naturally avoid me.If I spoke to you at all it was because I wanted something. Comedy was just a cover for my late night sneaking around. If you spotted me out on hollywood boulevard at 3 in the morning, I had just gotten home from a gig and went up the street to pick up something to eat. It didn't mate if you just saw me sitting at a bus  stop buying rocks from whoever was at the corner. I'm happy to find the funny now.

A one man show was once on my radar, I suppose it still is. For a couple of years I worked on "The Big C: From Cancer to Crack" I wonder what became of that. Just got too hard I suppose. Drew Carey and I used to joke about "Crack- The Musical" back when I worked on his show. Whatever happened to...

Right now My only excuse for being up so late is poor time management. A side effect of Attention Deficit Disorder. If I could focus on one thing long enough to finish it, I would own each and every one of you. instead I'm doing this, until I notice that. Maybe I'll post a picture of this room. Clear evidence of mental illness. I have started a million brilliant projects and finished 6. No matter how clear the need to complete something, I can always find a detour. I wonder sometimes if didn't do quite a bit of damage to my brain smoking so many rocks of cocain. I don't think I was this scattered before. A few dozen tiny strokes might have that effect.  I'll take a pic and wait for your diagnosis.

Stevie’s show is at the Improv Labs in Hollywood. I'll be 48 the next day. I have many mixed feeling about it. It’s at my favorite comedy club and about a subject dear to my heart that I once tried to tackle. Mostly I expect to laugh. Stevie is a funny guy and, I’m thinking about inviting my recovering crackhead friend. The show is on her 49^th birthday. Happy Birthday to us!

I have tons of homework to do. I'm weeks late in 3 out of four classes. I suppose being on schedule for one is cause for celebration... This post is pretty lame, kind of a downer, and yet I bet you can't tell how happy I am to see it on my screen. It's been three months since my last post so this ain't so bad. More to come. Look for the new site as well. I've wasted enough of your time with this little exercise in inertia. Thanks for being you.

And now, the Weather

Please don't talk to me about the weather. I can't do anything about it, and since I live in southern California, it's not that interesting anyway. We don't need to pontificate on how much cooler is this winter compared to last winter or, if I think it will rain later. It's Los Angeles. How bad can it be? Most days will be within 10 degrees/miles per hour/percent of yesterday. Whatever change isn't likely to be very drastic. Most of us can look out the window or stick our head out the door for a few seconds and get all we need to know. should I bring a jacket? Umbrella? Good day for shorts? (When it rains I get to wear my yellow rain jacket. Makes me happy.)

Regardless, No conversation about the weather should take more than 10 seconds. "I hear it might rain tonight." "Oh, really? I better bring a hat." Done- Next topic. We really need only talk about the weather if lives are in immediate danger, "Hey! There's a tornado behind you! Better get into this storm shelter." Still acceptably brief. Most of the people I know have been on Earth long enough to have experienced every weather condition they're likely to encounter in Los Angeles more than once. Overcast isn't "weird weather". Drizzle isn't weird. Wind isn't weird. How do I know? Because we talked about it last year, and the year before that... If you really want to talk about the weather, find someone who's never been outside. I'm sure they're fascinated by your imaginary climate trends.

When someone says to me "Beautiful day, huh?" (I think that's a question.) My standard response, "Everyday is a beautiful day." And I sincerely mean that, and I sincerely hope we change the subject. Have you read a book or seen a movie? Sometimes when it's cloudy someone will ask, "Shitty day, huh?" I often suggest they kill themselves. Helps put the clouds into perspective. And really, how long do you want to talk to anyone who needs a second opinion about the sky.

When someone continues a conversation about the weather, they signal to me that this person has close to nothing on their mind. Why else would they take the time to contemplate the the air. Maybe I envy them, so carefree that they can be nostalgic about last winter's temperatures. Maybe I take the weather for granted. Or maybe I'm a grown man virtually unaffected by weather short of a direct lightning strike. Please don't talk to me about the weather. I don't care. Rain or shine, I got shit to do.

They Got My Peter Pan!

The FDA says to throw away certain jars of Peter Pan Peanut Butter because of possible salmonella contamination. I have 5 jars of Peter Pan. It is the only think I stockpile in such disproportionate amounts. Peanut butter and Jelly is my best recipe. My only recipe if you exclude cereal. I eat PBJs 3 or 6 times a week. I have three full jars and 2 half jars. (1 and a half jars at work) This is potentially devastating.
But wait! It's not ALL Peter Pan. Only jars with the lot number starting with 2111. What are the chances I'll even have one bad jar?- 100 PERCENT!!! ALL 5 FUCKING JARS!!! (deep sigh)
Wait a minute. I've been eating out of 2 of those jars for weeks, so they're safe. Still to throw away 3 jars of peanut butter seems just wrong. Maybe I'll offer them to the homeless. I'm sure many homeless are willing to gamble on intestinal discomfort for a few jars of creamy Peter Pan.

The worst part of this tragedy- I am no longer secure in the knowledge that these things only happen to other people. Other people get mugged, win the lottery, or find a finger in their salad. Other people get evicted from their apartments- No wait I did that. Other people watch Dr. Phil.- No. Me again. Other people fly coach. Other people die! Now I know it could someday be me. Will I ever truly be safe again? Reality has come to my door and now I mourn the loss of my innocence. The terrorist finally have won.

posted 2/16/7 http://blog.myspace.com/mrjohnniewalker