Paris Hilton "Rant"

Here is a "rant" I wrote a couple of weeks ago for an audition. I didn't get the job so I might as well do something with it. I place the word, rant, in quotes because a rant implies a heightened state of emotion, even anger toward the subject. For the record: I cannot pretend to care about Paris Hilton, or much else in that universe- Which may be why I didn't get the job. Enjoy.

If you're Paris Hilton, a DUI is great for your career. Paris Hilton's motto- "I don't care what you say, just spell my name right." J O H N N I E- by the way. Cuz I'm with her there.
The woman works hard, producing meaningless music, movies that go straight to home video, movies that come straight from home video- all to promote her career as a drunken party slut.

In fact driving under the influence is the only talent she's ever displayed in public. Partying is what she does best and in that, she's a draw. Women want to be there to pick up slutting tips. Men want to be there because they expect oral sex- and at least they'll get to watch.

After the leak that someone else sang on her CD, sales went up. People thought, that if she hired a singer, it might be worth a listen.

The restaurant chain, Carl's Jr. gave her millions to put on a bikini and answer the question; which is bigger? A Western Bacon Cheeseburger or Paris Hilton's ass. Sadly it was the cheeseburger. However when arrested, she tells the world, she needed an In-n-Out burger. And there you have it. Even when there are millions of dollars at stake, she can't resist the old in-n-out.

Paris Hilton beat the system. There is no such thing as bad publicity, and it certainly can't hurt your career if you don't do anything.

I'll post the other "rant" as soon as I find it. Thanks for knowing how to read.

I'm Running for Congress

I am now announcing my campaign as an independent candidate for the US House of Representatives, and I'd like to try out some slogans:

Johnnie for Congress
Because I need a job with benefits

Do a brother a solid- Vote for Johnnie

If elected, I'm stealing everything that's not nailed down- and bringing it back to my supporters!

Johnnie in the house! Sounds good, eh?

Johnnie for Congress
I'll figure it out when I get there.

Johnnie Walker for House of Representatives
One of 365 votes- How much harm can I do?

Johnnie Walker for US Congress
My influence is for sale- Cheap! Because I care about the common man.

Send Johnnie to Congress, because there's dumber guys than him in there.

Let me know which ones touch your heart. Or suggest some.

Thanks. I love you all.
-Johnnie Walker
Independent Candidate for the US House of Representatives

Get to the Point

How often does this happen to you. You check your cell phone and there is a message waiting. You call the voice mail box and hear the soothing tones of voice mail lady,
"Wednesday two thirty-six p.m." followed by the voice of a comrade,
"Hi, (your name here) It's (friend's name) It's, uh, about two two thirty- two thirty-five on wednesday the, aaahh- Hey, what the date?- anyway..."

Your friend, bless their heart, was trained back in the 1900s when the professional and considerate thing to do when leaving a phone message was to include the time of the call. That way when you’re playing back an old message, you’ll know just how old it was. Thank you.

That was then. However, it’s 2006, techno-geezer, I know what time it is. Since my first pager in 1983 to this day, every voice mail I've ever had would tell me what time a message was left. And it’s been at least a decade since I’ve owned an answering machine that didn’t have a clock in it as well.

So it’s just plain redundant to leave the time you called in a message. I know it’s maybe 10 seconds a message, repeated if I have to play it again, but it’s ten seconds that I will spend thinking less of you. Imagine, you’re checking your messages in some noisy hallway or parking garage, struggling to hear over the racket and find a spot where the signal is strong, and by the time you’ve figured out that somebody is telling you what you didn’t need to hear again the noise rises and you miss what you really need to hear so you have to play the message again from the beginning, and more clearly you listen to your buddy stammering precisely as they can through the incorrect time, including the date, because you probably don’t check your cell phone more than once a month.

If you want to be considerate, and who doesn't, you might leave your phone number AT THE BEGINNING of the message, so we don’t have to play the entire message again to write it down. And thanks to caller ID, you don’t often have to do that unless your number is blocked and the recipient isn’t a regular with you.

So there you have a little more instruction in the care and feeding of me. You may rest assured that if you were bothering me, you were really pissing off someone else, cuz they don’t come any easier going than me.

You’re welcome.