I am now announcing my campaign as an independent candidate for the US House of Representatives, and I'd like to try out some slogans:
Johnnie for Congress
Because I need a job with benefits
Do a brother a solid- Vote for Johnnie
If elected, I'm stealing everything that's not nailed down- and bringing it back to my supporters!
Johnnie in the house! Sounds good, eh?
Johnnie for Congress
I'll figure it out when I get there.
Johnnie Walker for House of Representatives
One of 365 votes- How much harm can I do?
Johnnie Walker for US Congress
My influence is for sale- Cheap! Because I care about the common man.
Send Johnnie to Congress, because there's dumber guys than him in there.
Let me know which ones touch your heart. Or suggest some.
Thanks. I love you all.
-Johnnie Walker
Independent Candidate for the US House of Representatives
Monday, September 18, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Get to the Point
How often does this happen to you. You check your cell phone and there is a message waiting. You call the voice mail box and hear the soothing tones of voice mail lady,
"Wednesday two thirty-six p.m." followed by the voice of a comrade,
"Hi, (your name here) It's (friend's name) It's, uh, about two two thirty- two thirty-five on wednesday the, aaahh- Hey, what the date?- anyway..."
Your friend, bless their heart, was trained back in the 1900s when the professional and considerate thing to do when leaving a phone message was to include the time of the call. That way when you’re playing back an old message, you’ll know just how old it was. Thank you.
That was then. However, it’s 2006, techno-geezer, I know what time it is. Since my first pager in 1983 to this day, every voice mail I've ever had would tell me what time a message was left. And it’s been at least a decade since I’ve owned an answering machine that didn’t have a clock in it as well.
So it’s just plain redundant to leave the time you called in a message. I know it’s maybe 10 seconds a message, repeated if I have to play it again, but it’s ten seconds that I will spend thinking less of you. Imagine, you’re checking your messages in some noisy hallway or parking garage, struggling to hear over the racket and find a spot where the signal is strong, and by the time you’ve figured out that somebody is telling you what you didn’t need to hear again the noise rises and you miss what you really need to hear so you have to play the message again from the beginning, and more clearly you listen to your buddy stammering precisely as they can through the incorrect time, including the date, because you probably don’t check your cell phone more than once a month.
If you want to be considerate, and who doesn't, you might leave your phone number AT THE BEGINNING of the message, so we don’t have to play the entire message again to write it down. And thanks to caller ID, you don’t often have to do that unless your number is blocked and the recipient isn’t a regular with you.
So there you have a little more instruction in the care and feeding of me. You may rest assured that if you were bothering me, you were really pissing off someone else, cuz they don’t come any easier going than me.
You’re welcome.
"Wednesday two thirty-six p.m." followed by the voice of a comrade,
"Hi, (your name here) It's (friend's name) It's, uh, about two two thirty- two thirty-five on wednesday the, aaahh- Hey, what the date?- anyway..."
Your friend, bless their heart, was trained back in the 1900s when the professional and considerate thing to do when leaving a phone message was to include the time of the call. That way when you’re playing back an old message, you’ll know just how old it was. Thank you.
That was then. However, it’s 2006, techno-geezer, I know what time it is. Since my first pager in 1983 to this day, every voice mail I've ever had would tell me what time a message was left. And it’s been at least a decade since I’ve owned an answering machine that didn’t have a clock in it as well.
So it’s just plain redundant to leave the time you called in a message. I know it’s maybe 10 seconds a message, repeated if I have to play it again, but it’s ten seconds that I will spend thinking less of you. Imagine, you’re checking your messages in some noisy hallway or parking garage, struggling to hear over the racket and find a spot where the signal is strong, and by the time you’ve figured out that somebody is telling you what you didn’t need to hear again the noise rises and you miss what you really need to hear so you have to play the message again from the beginning, and more clearly you listen to your buddy stammering precisely as they can through the incorrect time, including the date, because you probably don’t check your cell phone more than once a month.
If you want to be considerate, and who doesn't, you might leave your phone number AT THE BEGINNING of the message, so we don’t have to play the entire message again to write it down. And thanks to caller ID, you don’t often have to do that unless your number is blocked and the recipient isn’t a regular with you.
So there you have a little more instruction in the care and feeding of me. You may rest assured that if you were bothering me, you were really pissing off someone else, cuz they don’t come any easier going than me.
You’re welcome.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Got Milk
I've been eating my cereal with rice milk. We know it's not really "milk" sucked by machines from tiny rice teats. Actually it's packaged as rice "drink". I've arrived at this destination after more than a decade since a conversation with a vegetarian comic, Gerry Swallow, who I was working with in Dallas. Gerry was trying to convince me that it is unhealthy to drink milk.
"Milk isn't for people. It's for cows! Baby cows. And even they don't drink it after a while." Many people develop a lactose intolerance, which they aren't shy in describing. I've heard of statistical evidence that women who drink milk are more likely to give birth to multiple kids (twins, triplets), because of the hormones and stuff they give to cows to enhance their fertility. I got enough kids so that's more incentive.
Gerry recommended soy milk instead. (The image of soy bean teats makes me giggle as well)
I took this advice to heart since I would like to be healthier and more energetic. (I'd really like to sleep more, but that's doesn't pay) I began to notice what I put into my body. Keeping a vague burgers to apples ratio in my head. (about 5 to 1) How do I feel after a Fatburger? A malt? An apple? (sleepy, happy, hungry) Am I eating lots of fat? (Fat tastes good!) Sugar? (mmm sugar) Dirt and bugs? (Whadayagonna do?)
I tried cutting down on red meat, sugar, processed foods, in hope of gaining vitality and maybe losing a few pounds around the middle. (I'm as neurotic about my weight as any actress, but I won't give up food.) Just taking little steps. Better food and less of it. I hear that works. But what is "better food". I tend to think that vegetarians have it right, I just wonder if they're happy... Really?
Having decided that soy milk made me heave, I choose low-fat or skim milk as a compromise. Once you're used to skim milk, whole feels kinda heavy. I understand that whole milk is much better if you're making pancakes- which is part of the problem.
I was talking to a skinny vegan friend, who has been trying to convert me for years, about what she eats. As it turns out, McDonald's French fries. It can't be that bad a way of life if you get to eat French fries. But what do put on your cereal if you don't like soy milk? I've seen people eat cereal with water, but I think that was a poverty related choice. They tried to convince me they liked it, but really, who ya foolin? My vegan friend suggested rice milk. I had seen it in the grocery store so I knew she wasn't making it up, and I certainly prefer rice to soy. Turns out, it taste okay on cereal. However it's awful with cookies.
Tangent: A skinny actress was giving me a ride home from the show we were working on ( I was between cars) when she suddenly had a craving for chocolate so we stopped at a convenience store. She ran in but came back empty handed since they had only milk chocolate and no dark chocolate. What's wrong with milk chocolate? "Milk chocolate is for children." You can tell my life is run by skinny women and rules. So I've acquired a taste for dark chocolate, like I acquired a taste for beer, because I want to look grown up in public. Alas, dark chocolate hasn't gotten me laid. However, beer has!
Ultimately I'd like to eliminate cattle from my life. Not because the cattle have done me harm. Mostly because they are the stupidest looking animals on earth. I've been to those cattle factory places and seen them standing around chewing on something with the big strings of slobber swinging from their mouths. And I've seen their big sloppy milk bags with the giant nipples, and I think "Yuck. People drink that?!"
School children were asked where they thought milk came from. Many, mostly city kids, answered "from the store" I like that answer. I would like to return to that level of ignorance, but it's too late. I can only now live in denial. In my own world where milk comes from the store and steak from the kitchen. Where rice have teats.
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